Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Cows on Old MacDonald’s Farm

March 30, 2009

 old mcdonald had a farm e-i-e-i ooo and on his farm he had a horny cow–e-i-e-i ooo with a moogasm here and amoogasm there….here a moogasm there a moogasm

 every where a moogasm gasm old mcdonald had a farm e-i-e-ioo
and on his farm he had a cowpig- e-i-e-i o  with a moink moink here and a moink moink there here a moink there a moink every where a moink moink old mc donald had a farm e-i-e-i oo
and on his farm he had a llamacow-e-i e-i -ooo with a moospit here and a moospit there here a moospit there a moospit every where a moospit spit old mcdonald had a farm e-i e i ooo
and on his farm he had a gassy cow-ei ei oo with a moofart here and a moofart there…here a moofart there a moofart every where a moo fart fart…old mcdonald had a farm ei ei oo
and on his farm he had a cow that took a laxative–ei ei oo with a moosplat here and a moosplat there here a moosplat there a moosplat every where a moosplat splat oh mcdonald had a farm ei ei ooo
and on his farm he had a Hawaiian cow- e-i e-i o with a moomoo here a moomoo there here a moomoo there a moomoo everywhere a moomoo old mc donald had a farm ei ei ooo


Weird Jobs of Tomorrow

March 26, 2009

I had read an article last May about the many weird jobs people have today. Some of them were: a Citrus Fruit dryer–someone actually sits there and dries your grapefruits and whatnot with a towel, a Chicken Sexer–nothing like sticking your finger up a chicken’s arse to find out if it’s male or female, a Dog Food Taster–you read right and are thinking right–someone actually tastes dog food, a Bird Poop Jeweler–nothing says I love you like a bird turd necklace., a Fecal Archaeologist (Pathoecologist)- there’s nothing more interesting then studying the shit of people and animals of thousands of years ago. I wonder if it still smells. People may die, but poopy is forever!

Well I got to thinking, what might be some weird jobs of the future. I came up with the following:

1. A Car–Why not pay someone to turn your car into an eco-friendly car? No gas. No oil. No antifreeze. You have a person run in a large wheel that is behind your car and propels your car forward, backwards,etc. Need air conditioning? No problem a person will gladly blw on you while you drive. Need heat? That same person will fart while you drive. Need a radio? No problem You can hire someone to sing for you.

2. Natural Gas Producer– One word says it all F-A-R-T. You can make big bucks passing ags into people’s cars and homes. You can even be wealthier than today’s oil companies.

3. Lint picker — In the year 2020, lint will be as valuable as water, especially bellybutton lint. All the stuff that gets trapped in your innie (if you have an outie you are out of luck.),  will be made into fine fabrics. So basically some poor illegal day laborer can pick your belly button lint for less than minimum wage. Penny for your lint?

4. A Navel Operator- Possibly, by the year 2020, Navel oranges will lose their bellybuttons. You, as a navel operator, must manufacture the orange’s bellybuttons by machine. If you don’t then they’d just be….oranges…nameless oranges.

5. Book- You know that annoying kid in third grade who read the encylclopedia (ok other than me) and then recided facts on a random basis. This is the new job of the Human Book. He/she abosrobs every single book they can get their hands on. When you need to do research they just recite it to you. Of course if they get amnesia, the world would be doomed.

I Am Bovine

March 26, 2009

I Am Bovine

(to the tune of I Am Woman by Helen Reddy)

I am bovine hear me moo

In huge herds too big to shoo

And I know too much to go back and pretend

Cause I’ve heard it all before

You’re a cow and nothing more

And you are not going totouch my udders again.

Chorus: Oh Farmer warm your hands

Before touching my glands

Your hands are too cold

And if you warm them, behold

I will produce milk by the gallons

I am strong

I am invincible

I am Bovine!

You can stuff your hands in your pockets

That won’t keep my eyes in their sockets

You need a heater, or be kicked in your peter

Yes my udders are quite numb

Icicles they have become

I can’t pass frozen cow juice

Warming your hands would make it loose

(repeat chorus)

I am bovine so I’m told

With udders that have froze

Soon they are going to crack off and make cows of their own

So farmer listen to me

If you ever want to squeeze

You’re going to have to warm them fingers

Or iced milk will linger!

(repeat chorus)