Archive for March, 2009

The Cows on Old MacDonald’s Farm

March 30, 2009

 old mcdonald had a farm e-i-e-i ooo and on his farm he had a horny cow–e-i-e-i ooo with a moogasm here and amoogasm there….here a moogasm there a moogasm

 every where a moogasm gasm old mcdonald had a farm e-i-e-ioo
 
and on his farm he had a cowpig- e-i-e-i o  with a moink moink here and a moink moink there here a moink there a moink every where a moink moink old mc donald had a farm e-i-e-i oo
 
and on his farm he had a llamacow-e-i e-i -ooo with a moospit here and a moospit there here a moospit there a moospit every where a moospit spit old mcdonald had a farm e-i e i ooo
 
and on his farm he had a gassy cow-ei ei oo with a moofart here and a moofart there…here a moofart there a moofart every where a moo fart fart…old mcdonald had a farm ei ei oo
 
and on his farm he had a cow that took a laxative–ei ei oo with a moosplat here and a moosplat there here a moosplat there a moosplat every where a moosplat splat oh mcdonald had a farm ei ei ooo
 
and on his farm he had a Hawaiian cow- e-i e-i o with a moomoo here a moomoo there here a moomoo there a moomoo everywhere a moomoo old mc donald had a farm ei ei ooo
 
 
 

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Weird Jobs of Tomorrow

March 26, 2009

I had read an article last May about the many weird jobs people have today. Some of them were: a Citrus Fruit dryer–someone actually sits there and dries your grapefruits and whatnot with a towel, a Chicken Sexer–nothing like sticking your finger up a chicken’s arse to find out if it’s male or female, a Dog Food Taster–you read right and are thinking right–someone actually tastes dog food, a Bird Poop Jeweler–nothing says I love you like a bird turd necklace., a Fecal Archaeologist (Pathoecologist)- there’s nothing more interesting then studying the shit of people and animals of thousands of years ago. I wonder if it still smells. People may die, but poopy is forever!

Well I got to thinking, what might be some weird jobs of the future. I came up with the following:

1. A Car–Why not pay someone to turn your car into an eco-friendly car? No gas. No oil. No antifreeze. You have a person run in a large wheel that is behind your car and propels your car forward, backwards,etc. Need air conditioning? No problem a person will gladly blw on you while you drive. Need heat? That same person will fart while you drive. Need a radio? No problem You can hire someone to sing for you.

2. Natural Gas Producer– One word says it all F-A-R-T. You can make big bucks passing ags into people’s cars and homes. You can even be wealthier than today’s oil companies.

3. Lint picker — In the year 2020, lint will be as valuable as water, especially bellybutton lint. All the stuff that gets trapped in your innie (if you have an outie you are out of luck.),  will be made into fine fabrics. So basically some poor illegal day laborer can pick your belly button lint for less than minimum wage. Penny for your lint?

4. A Navel Operator- Possibly, by the year 2020, Navel oranges will lose their bellybuttons. You, as a navel operator, must manufacture the orange’s bellybuttons by machine. If you don’t then they’d just be….oranges…nameless oranges.

5. Book- You know that annoying kid in third grade who read the encylclopedia (ok other than me) and then recided facts on a random basis. This is the new job of the Human Book. He/she abosrobs every single book they can get their hands on. When you need to do research they just recite it to you. Of course if they get amnesia, the world would be doomed.

Cha Cha Cha

March 26, 2009

Sometimes my online friends and I get super silly.  And one day we came up with songs about Diarrhea. Songs like the infamous “If you’re in a chevy and you feel someting heavy…diarrhea cha cha cha.” Well, I saved a list of ones we came up with…here are the best ones…

If you’re in Spain and you feel a farting pain…

If you’re in Chad, and smell something bad…

If  you’re in Rocky [Rockhampton, Australia], and you feel a little cocky…

If you’re in Yepoon [Australia), and your butt blows like a balloon…

If you’re in the States, and your ass begins to quake…

If  you’re living in the States and your loo paper grates…

 

No, we never claimed to be normal, or not have time on our hands. If you have any you’d like to add.

I Am Bovine

March 26, 2009

I Am Bovine

(to the tune of I Am Woman by Helen Reddy)

I am bovine hear me moo

In huge herds too big to shoo

And I know too much to go back and pretend

Cause I’ve heard it all before

You’re a cow and nothing more

And you are not going totouch my udders again.

Chorus: Oh Farmer warm your hands

Before touching my glands

Your hands are too cold

And if you warm them, behold

I will produce milk by the gallons

I am strong

I am invincible

I am Bovine!

You can stuff your hands in your pockets

That won’t keep my eyes in their sockets

You need a heater, or be kicked in your peter

Yes my udders are quite numb

Icicles they have become

I can’t pass frozen cow juice

Warming your hands would make it loose

(repeat chorus)

I am bovine so I’m told

With udders that have froze

Soon they are going to crack off and make cows of their own

So farmer listen to me

If you ever want to squeeze

You’re going to have to warm them fingers

Or iced milk will linger!

(repeat chorus)

Farts In Space

March 21, 2009

What happens if you fart in space? If you fart in space does it make a sound?  Would anyone hear? Does it keep repeating?

Is the legnth of a fart on Earth different than in space?

Does the smell linger on forever? will aliens in far off galaxies be able to sniff your anal emissions? By-the-way do aliens fart? Do aliens even have anuses? In discovering aliens and other species in outer space shouldn’t we test the air when they fart to see if they fart methane like us? What gases could aliens actually pass?

Are farts jut the more basic forms of nebula? Do stars form in farty clusters?

Would we eventually be able to maneuver around the universe simply by farting? Perhaps we can recycle the farts and use them for fuel (natural gas). Even better, perhaps if we pass gas enough we will fart ourselves new anuses and have built in jet engines.

Did you know that if you fling a fart a passing meteor, it will shatter into millions of little pieces? Who needs lasers?

What happens if you fling a fart into a black hole? would the black hole, that has this giant gravitationasl pull, throw the fart back out into the universe because it smells too funky? Can black holes smell? (That sounds more than wrong!) If a cow flatulates in space, will that make a black hole?

If you make a cabbage fart in space, will you have a whole field of cabbages behind you to help you find your way back?

Dizzy Daffinitions

March 21, 2009

I did publish this one on associatedcontent.com but they assured me that I have full rights to my non-exclusive works. So here we go …and remember laugh.

Assail–butts on a boat

Barium- the Latin form of Barry

Befog– Bee farts

Booby Trap- what men use to catch boobs.

Booby Hatch- a place where they grow boobs.

Canticle-  the opposite of testicle.

Covet- a little cove.

Eft- a,b,c,d,e, eft, g

Einsteinium- the genius element

Elderberry- a senior citizen berry

Gastrology- the study of farts in the stars (aka nebula)

General Assembly- a factory where they manufacture leading military figures.

Humerus- A not so funny bone.

Ichthyology- the study of icky things

 Kernal – a corn seed that has joined the military

Mangrove- a place where they grow men.

Naval Aviator — a flying bellybutton.

Odious- as pertaining to Odie (Garfield)

Plug- intercourse with a light socket.

Proverbs- to be for, as opposed to against, verbs.

Relax- to take Ex-Lax again.

Retard- to have been a tard once before.

Wingnuts- flying nut sacs.

Am I A Nutter?

March 21, 2009

I don’t understand what the big deal about President Obama being on Jay Leno is about.  Some politicians say he has too much on his plate or that he should just pay attention to what is going on in our nation, but quite frankly I think it’s great that our President has a sense of humor. If we see him laughing, then we can laugh too. I understand that sometimes it’s hard to laugh when times are tough, but see that is my point. The President LAUGHED! That’s a good thing! I do think the joke he made about his bowling score was a little inappropriate but nothing to go nuts over people.

Sometimes I feel like a full-fledged nutter. I like to make people laugh and I do it any way I can just to see a smile. I get bashed for not being lady-like with my sense of humor. Well starch my collar and call me stiffy! If you can’t laugh about things like farts what can you laugh about, or do you even laugh? Yet these are the same people who tell racist jokes..wait I said fart–that’s not lady-like but calling people the N word in your historically inaccurate and inept jokes is? Yeah….um..check please.

The English language can be quite humorous sometimes. Sometimes it’s in the pronunciation and other times it’s just the word itself. For example PRAWN. Now I know some of my friends reading this are already laughing their arses off because, well, they know when I was on prawn kick….PRAWN became my lifes work. Every other word out of my mouth was prawn.  Then came the word Cloaca. Just say it out loud. CLOACA! Then if you put them together you get a Prawn’s Cloaca. Yeah…ok I am a nutter, but you love me anyway eh?

Welcome Message

March 21, 2009

Welcome to my blog. I call it Random Thoughts because I often write about thoughts that are spinning around my head, and in no particular format , and with lack of cohesion. Then I post those random thoughts on another site, but they really don’t belong on that site. So, I decided to start this blog. This way when I have something to get off my chest I can just put it here. My friend would call this a place for “brain dumping. ”

I wonder if brain dumping is illegal in any state? Is that considered illegal toxic dumping? What if steam comes out of my ears? What if my ears could regenerate?! See, totally random.

The thoughts I post are funny,stupid, or intellectual on a wide variety of topics. I pray you will enjoy what I write, and I look forward to reading your work as well.

~Lady Samantha

Hello world!

March 21, 2009

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!